Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
#titanic
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT