sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
jesus christ confetti not now
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
yeah 😭
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.