I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Oh no
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
#StillHurts
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.