Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.