I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*