That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”