Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.