*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
You Might Also Like
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets