ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together