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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Happens to everyone.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it