Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
You Might Also Like
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
🙂🐾
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket