Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
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I’d … I’d rather not.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
welp
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.