I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When I said I liked it rough.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”