When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
The Punning Dead.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.