I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
one last job
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.