american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.