Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Finally!
I’m sure it’s fine.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.