[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You Might Also Like
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
knights of the ikea table