“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Sending in my taxes
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.