My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Good morning!
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life