Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
opening twitter today
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing