The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sometimes? I’m slipping
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat