“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then