genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Can. I. Help. You.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
“I took care of your clown problem.”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon