I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You Might Also Like
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.