How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?