You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
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You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh