I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…