Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings