There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Ape together strong
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
What a chick magnet..
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Straight people are cancelled
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not