When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.