My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.