Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers