“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe