Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
😎 🍻
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying