NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
And then there were 4