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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The Others (2001)
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
WTF IS THAT!
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
who did the taste test?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.