Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it