Lucky for them, they’re cute
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t