Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
twitter is a journey
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.