You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
So true for me
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex