Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
hi why am I like this
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?