Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
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When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I beg your pardon?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.