If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.