* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Yup!
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this