“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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man: wait
time: no
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.