Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
me doing my best
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.