Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now