“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
emergency phone
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No