[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.